semaj: just thinkin’

Hello,
not sure what to say… it has been over a month since my last post and most of the stuff I could have written about were a bit to specific for the site as a whole. I have been thinking a bit more about relationships as of late and how they work and how they fail. I am only a bit away from writing a new article about it… but this past weekend kinda threw most of what I was going to write into the trash heap.
What probably need to do is talk about some of the ideas a bit more before I get serious about writing the article, so that it minimizes the amount of stupid I put out there for others to read.

I was in a conversation today that gave me a glimse of what I may be like in 10 years or so, I found that I didn’t like what I heard… it works but it seems too artifical to me… a bolted on personality over a core persona that I find appealing in its purity. Even though I was taken back by my overall negative reaction to what I heard, I hope that I can take the introspective pieces of what I heard and build an integrated personality that works for me and doesn’t give people, that have a similar thought process that I, have a bad feeling about who I am.
Maybe a shouldn’t say bad feeling… more of a feeling that I am not getting the true person… but a calculated image of who the person wants other to see. I believe in the core ideas of honesty and transparency… but not the methods that that person used to convey those ideals. Not that the situation was an ideal one to get the points of the persons ideals across… I still think that the methods pushed too hard… too much technique.

Now that was silly for me to say out in the open… but I did spend alot of time thinking about what I saw and heard and that is what I came up with. Maybe in a different setting I will see less of the technique and more of the person and their value system and maybe I can find a better method of applying some of the techniques that overall I think are useful.

Didn’t think I would write this much… and it is pretty much a free form spilling of some of the thoughts I have been having recently.

For quite a while now… I have been pretty hard to catch up with, I just don’t seem to have the desire to be very social on a large scale… short bursts of conversation is all I really have the energy for.
Needless to say… this isn’t a good thing have happen during the holiday season… but it is here and I am trying to deal with it the best way I can… set small goals and try to finish them and then go on to the next one. It isn’t very fun and doesn’t make things simple for others that want to talk to me but I am sure I will be back to running around like an idiot from social event to social event by the time the end of January comes around.
Now I know my behaviour is rather silly… but it happens, I have a stressful event or series of events happen and at that point, until I can come to grips with the stress, I just don’t want to do much at all.
Somethings I don’t think I will ever come to grips with… but I can get it out of my head for a while and move on… but sometimes other things happen that brings that feeling of helplessness back and then I am stuck back in default mode… doing what I have to and not one damn thing more.
I guess all this mess started with seeing my mother for the first time in something like 20 years ago… I didn’t like how it went and I am pretty confused about how I should have reacted.. maybe I should have blown up and told her she was a terrible person, but that wouldn’t have accomplished anything positive at all. I don’t think wishing is a worthwhile activity but I have found myself with just one… that keeps bouncing around my head over and over… couldn’t she show some interest in me and my life… showing some concern and interest in her offspring. Then I have to get back to my reality and my belief in the fact that there isn’t anything magical about the “bond” between a mother and her child, that bond can only be formed by choice… one my mother chose not to do 35 years ago when she left and she sure as hell didn’t do a damn thing to even try in the almost 20 years I have been on my own. I am bitter and I don’t like feeling at all, what to do… what to do… I just didn’t think about it much for the past 10 years or so, now I am back having the same old feeling again because of my encounter a couple of months ago.
I find it funny that I am finally saying something about this… but I talked to some people today that really gave me the urge to say something about what is going on with me.

Well, I hadn’t written anything in a while. SO I guess I should say a bit of something.
Basically, most of my life is at a standstill. Still no car… just more waiting for parts. I don’t think I will be getting it back anytime soon.
As to the rental… it is now pretty much costing me out of pocket… so I really am just getting buried in costs… so I really don’t want to go out and spend money… or take chances of doing anything to the rental that I would have to deal with.
I didn’t do any training last week… so I will try to get myself back this week.
Pretty much have been blowing everyone off… but I don’t really care to be around people when I don’t have my stuff together… and right now… I don’t really have anything together.

The only thing that has been really positive is that I have pushed myself to learn a new scripting language. Yeap… took the Ruby plunge… it is pretty cool.. and gives me a new view of how to solve some of my programming tasks. Hopefully I can learn how to do some basic GUI programming soon… which would go along way to rounding out my skills set.

Later….

Just reading some BS before crashing out for the night I ran across one of the funniest comments I have read in a while. It was a bit crude… but it contained one phase that I had never seen before and it had me rolling.

The article was The video-game industry’s dirty little secret. and the comment was:

Posted June 26, 2005 @ 4:13PM by Ephemeron
If this is true, Japanese gamers are lengths and bounds ahead of their Western gamers in terms of not being complete toolboxes. Half of the reason video gaming is a stagnant pile of llama jizzum is because consumers keep paying to play the same shit with better gfx.

Oh well… off to bed.

Well, haven’t made a post since Tuesday… so I thought I’d better say something. Well, it looks like some people can’t get their story straight about what the hell I am still waiting on to get my car back. Now everyday that I don’t get it back is costing me an extra $30-40, from rental crap and stuff like that.
The temp tags have expired, so I need to go by the dealership twice now… once to get the perm tags and after I pick up the car and put the tags on, again to install the retention bracket for the top so I can use it.
I haven’t been to Kickboxing class since Monday’s fiasco. I just haven’t gotten enough sleep to get over being sore. So I think that I will be hitting the reset button on this weekend… and just sleeping alot.
Missed the NTIS picnic for the first time… since I was messing around Lorton… on a failed attempt to pick up the Boxster. I also missed going to a wake that I found out about too late to go.
Maybe I will get the car back today and I will change my mind about this weekend, especially after I get my new tires installed.
Also… still have no idea what makes some people think the way that they do… but then again, I am sure there are plenty of people that think I am wack too

I got into a arguement last weekend about prospectives. Some people are under some serious false ideals when it comes to how much we as individuals can think outside of the box of ourselves. It is fascinating to fool yourself that you can put yourself in others shoes, but please don’t think that you can fit yourself in any size or style shoe… it just can’t be done by anyone.
I would like to think that I can think like someone else but I can’t. I can try to make logical and or reasoned guesses at what someone else would think… but that is all I can ever do… is guess at best. I tried to put myself in the mindset of someone that was born into a rich world and I just can’t, and I really can’t see how anyone not in that world or close to it could. Life experiences weigh too much in our though processes for us to jump far outside of ourselves.
I think we should work to understand ourselves and leave it at that. That task is hard enough as it is…