semaj: just thinkin’

I think everyone should have a nemesis from time to time… a personal one, someone to provide a little conflict to the everyday goings of life and living it.
I have had quite a few in my life… from some bullies back in elementary school (Three that is, one that turned into a rather nice guy, one that is in and out of jail and the other… no idea… just kind of faded away over time. ) Another from my time in the Navy that haunted me for a span that lasted almost 6 years and lead me to leave the military and the current one that I have…. which is what brings me to this little note.
This one is of the friendly type and I have had quite a few of those too, yes… nemesises (sp?) can be fun to have too. A person that you can disagree with and still have fun… like sparring in a shadow boxing kind of way… both sides know who “won” the match… but no one gets hurt. Good stuff.
Personally I think that everyone should have more of the friendly type… but any nemesis will do, just to provide a little resistance in life… just to provide each person with spurts of internal growth for the mind… like a good training program will do for the body.

I was in a conversation today that gave me a glimse of what I may be like in 10 years or so, I found that I didn’t like what I heard… it works but it seems too artifical to me… a bolted on personality over a core persona that I find appealing in its purity. Even though I was taken back by my overall negative reaction to what I heard, I hope that I can take the introspective pieces of what I heard and build an integrated personality that works for me and doesn’t give people, that have a similar thought process that I, have a bad feeling about who I am.
Maybe a shouldn’t say bad feeling… more of a feeling that I am not getting the true person… but a calculated image of who the person wants other to see. I believe in the core ideas of honesty and transparency… but not the methods that that person used to convey those ideals. Not that the situation was an ideal one to get the points of the persons ideals across… I still think that the methods pushed too hard… too much technique.

Now that was silly for me to say out in the open… but I did spend alot of time thinking about what I saw and heard and that is what I came up with. Maybe in a different setting I will see less of the technique and more of the person and their value system and maybe I can find a better method of applying some of the techniques that overall I think are useful.

Didn’t think I would write this much… and it is pretty much a free form spilling of some of the thoughts I have been having recently.

For quite a while now… I have been pretty hard to catch up with, I just don’t seem to have the desire to be very social on a large scale… short bursts of conversation is all I really have the energy for.
Needless to say… this isn’t a good thing have happen during the holiday season… but it is here and I am trying to deal with it the best way I can… set small goals and try to finish them and then go on to the next one. It isn’t very fun and doesn’t make things simple for others that want to talk to me but I am sure I will be back to running around like an idiot from social event to social event by the time the end of January comes around.
Now I know my behaviour is rather silly… but it happens, I have a stressful event or series of events happen and at that point, until I can come to grips with the stress, I just don’t want to do much at all.
Somethings I don’t think I will ever come to grips with… but I can get it out of my head for a while and move on… but sometimes other things happen that brings that feeling of helplessness back and then I am stuck back in default mode… doing what I have to and not one damn thing more.
I guess all this mess started with seeing my mother for the first time in something like 20 years ago… I didn’t like how it went and I am pretty confused about how I should have reacted.. maybe I should have blown up and told her she was a terrible person, but that wouldn’t have accomplished anything positive at all. I don’t think wishing is a worthwhile activity but I have found myself with just one… that keeps bouncing around my head over and over… couldn’t she show some interest in me and my life… showing some concern and interest in her offspring. Then I have to get back to my reality and my belief in the fact that there isn’t anything magical about the “bond” between a mother and her child, that bond can only be formed by choice… one my mother chose not to do 35 years ago when she left and she sure as hell didn’t do a damn thing to even try in the almost 20 years I have been on my own. I am bitter and I don’t like feeling at all, what to do… what to do… I just didn’t think about it much for the past 10 years or so, now I am back having the same old feeling again because of my encounter a couple of months ago.
I find it funny that I am finally saying something about this… but I talked to some people today that really gave me the urge to say something about what is going on with me.

Just wanted to say that I picked up the Boxster yesterday. Service overall was terrible on the repairs and pickup procedure, but with some hard work yesterday and a stop by Road Race Tech this morning… and the Boxster is roadworthy and running better than ever.

Will commence normal social activity later this week. I am beat.

Well, I hadn’t written anything in a while. SO I guess I should say a bit of something.
Basically, most of my life is at a standstill. Still no car… just more waiting for parts. I don’t think I will be getting it back anytime soon.
As to the rental… it is now pretty much costing me out of pocket… so I really am just getting buried in costs… so I really don’t want to go out and spend money… or take chances of doing anything to the rental that I would have to deal with.
I didn’t do any training last week… so I will try to get myself back this week.
Pretty much have been blowing everyone off… but I don’t really care to be around people when I don’t have my stuff together… and right now… I don’t really have anything together.

The only thing that has been really positive is that I have pushed myself to learn a new scripting language. Yeap… took the Ruby plunge… it is pretty cool.. and gives me a new view of how to solve some of my programming tasks. Hopefully I can learn how to do some basic GUI programming soon… which would go along way to rounding out my skills set.

Later….

Just reading some BS before crashing out for the night I ran across one of the funniest comments I have read in a while. It was a bit crude… but it contained one phase that I had never seen before and it had me rolling.

The article was The video-game industry’s dirty little secret. and the comment was:

Posted June 26, 2005 @ 4:13PM by Ephemeron
If this is true, Japanese gamers are lengths and bounds ahead of their Western gamers in terms of not being complete toolboxes. Half of the reason video gaming is a stagnant pile of llama jizzum is because consumers keep paying to play the same shit with better gfx.

Oh well… off to bed.

Watched a bit of Le Mans… thought about watching some F1… but they did that craziness with the tires… so the hell with watching 6 cars race around the track.
Had dinner with Saif and his wife, then watched the game with Bob and Valentine. At least the game was interesting this time.

Hit up Batman Begin’s last night. It was a good start and it explains alot. Caught it with Bob, Fred and Saif. If you like Batman, the comic or Batman… the first movie at least, make sure you check it out.
Side note… sitting still for almost two hours doesn’t help getting over being sore

After training, went to hang out with Bob for a bit and then get his Harley off the back of his truck. We needed a loading dock and a ramp, off we when to look. Ran into Saif and his wife while looking, talked to them for a while and set up some stuff for Thursday evening. Unfortunately… our search failed at that time, so we headed to Jerry’s to grab some food.
Later, after South Park… we rolled out to unload the bike if possible. After some stressful failed attempts… I noticed a location that worked. After some hard work… the bike was down. A loud journey back to his parking garage… and the task was complete.
We had to declare “Miller Time”… and hung out a bit more… and called it a night.