semaj: just thinkin’

Finally got off my “butt” and got a high speed connection at home. Comcast cable and while I was at it I got a dvr and a the largest package I could get without paying for individual channels like HBO and the like.

Now… since I brought up the cable stuff… the Military channel rocks! Gives the Food Channel the boot except for “Iron Chef”… thanks to the good old DVR… which also makes it much easier to catch up on “The Fairly Odd Parents” and “Kim Possible”.

Been driving the car like a dumbass for weeks and weeks now… I need to cut that out… but I love that exhaust note as I rocket through the powerband.

Got a new laptop and its main purpose is to play Civ4… great game and after playing it for 6 weeks straight… I finally took tonight off… hince all the BS posting.

I think everyone should have a nemesis from time to time… a personal one, someone to provide a little conflict to the everyday goings of life and living it.
I have had quite a few in my life… from some bullies back in elementary school (Three that is, one that turned into a rather nice guy, one that is in and out of jail and the other… no idea… just kind of faded away over time. ) Another from my time in the Navy that haunted me for a span that lasted almost 6 years and lead me to leave the military and the current one that I have…. which is what brings me to this little note.
This one is of the friendly type and I have had quite a few of those too, yes… nemesises (sp?) can be fun to have too. A person that you can disagree with and still have fun… like sparring in a shadow boxing kind of way… both sides know who “won” the match… but no one gets hurt. Good stuff.
Personally I think that everyone should have more of the friendly type… but any nemesis will do, just to provide a little resistance in life… just to provide each person with spurts of internal growth for the mind… like a good training program will do for the body.

I was in a conversation today that gave me a glimse of what I may be like in 10 years or so, I found that I didn’t like what I heard… it works but it seems too artifical to me… a bolted on personality over a core persona that I find appealing in its purity. Even though I was taken back by my overall negative reaction to what I heard, I hope that I can take the introspective pieces of what I heard and build an integrated personality that works for me and doesn’t give people, that have a similar thought process that I, have a bad feeling about who I am.
Maybe a shouldn’t say bad feeling… more of a feeling that I am not getting the true person… but a calculated image of who the person wants other to see. I believe in the core ideas of honesty and transparency… but not the methods that that person used to convey those ideals. Not that the situation was an ideal one to get the points of the persons ideals across… I still think that the methods pushed too hard… too much technique.

Now that was silly for me to say out in the open… but I did spend alot of time thinking about what I saw and heard and that is what I came up with. Maybe in a different setting I will see less of the technique and more of the person and their value system and maybe I can find a better method of applying some of the techniques that overall I think are useful.

Didn’t think I would write this much… and it is pretty much a free form spilling of some of the thoughts I have been having recently.

For quite a while now… I have been pretty hard to catch up with, I just don’t seem to have the desire to be very social on a large scale… short bursts of conversation is all I really have the energy for.
Needless to say… this isn’t a good thing have happen during the holiday season… but it is here and I am trying to deal with it the best way I can… set small goals and try to finish them and then go on to the next one. It isn’t very fun and doesn’t make things simple for others that want to talk to me but I am sure I will be back to running around like an idiot from social event to social event by the time the end of January comes around.
Now I know my behaviour is rather silly… but it happens, I have a stressful event or series of events happen and at that point, until I can come to grips with the stress, I just don’t want to do much at all.
Somethings I don’t think I will ever come to grips with… but I can get it out of my head for a while and move on… but sometimes other things happen that brings that feeling of helplessness back and then I am stuck back in default mode… doing what I have to and not one damn thing more.
I guess all this mess started with seeing my mother for the first time in something like 20 years ago… I didn’t like how it went and I am pretty confused about how I should have reacted.. maybe I should have blown up and told her she was a terrible person, but that wouldn’t have accomplished anything positive at all. I don’t think wishing is a worthwhile activity but I have found myself with just one… that keeps bouncing around my head over and over… couldn’t she show some interest in me and my life… showing some concern and interest in her offspring. Then I have to get back to my reality and my belief in the fact that there isn’t anything magical about the “bond” between a mother and her child, that bond can only be formed by choice… one my mother chose not to do 35 years ago when she left and she sure as hell didn’t do a damn thing to even try in the almost 20 years I have been on my own. I am bitter and I don’t like feeling at all, what to do… what to do… I just didn’t think about it much for the past 10 years or so, now I am back having the same old feeling again because of my encounter a couple of months ago.
I find it funny that I am finally saying something about this… but I talked to some people today that really gave me the urge to say something about what is going on with me.