Per Suggestion
For quite a while now… I have been pretty hard to catch up with, I just don’t seem to have the desire to be very social on a large scale… short bursts of conversation is all I really have the energy for.
Needless to say… this isn’t a good thing have happen during the holiday season… but it is here and I am trying to deal with it the best way I can… set small goals and try to finish them and then go on to the next one. It isn’t very fun and doesn’t make things simple for others that want to talk to me but I am sure I will be back to running around like an idiot from social event to social event by the time the end of January comes around.
Now I know my behaviour is rather silly… but it happens, I have a stressful event or series of events happen and at that point, until I can come to grips with the stress, I just don’t want to do much at all.
Somethings I don’t think I will ever come to grips with… but I can get it out of my head for a while and move on… but sometimes other things happen that brings that feeling of helplessness back and then I am stuck back in default mode… doing what I have to and not one damn thing more.
I guess all this mess started with seeing my mother for the first time in something like 20 years ago… I didn’t like how it went and I am pretty confused about how I should have reacted.. maybe I should have blown up and told her she was a terrible person, but that wouldn’t have accomplished anything positive at all. I don’t think wishing is a worthwhile activity but I have found myself with just one… that keeps bouncing around my head over and over… couldn’t she show some interest in me and my life… showing some concern and interest in her offspring. Then I have to get back to my reality and my belief in the fact that there isn’t anything magical about the “bond” between a mother and her child, that bond can only be formed by choice… one my mother chose not to do 35 years ago when she left and she sure as hell didn’t do a damn thing to even try in the almost 20 years I have been on my own. I am bitter and I don’t like feeling at all, what to do… what to do… I just didn’t think about it much for the past 10 years or so, now I am back having the same old feeling again because of my encounter a couple of months ago.
I find it funny that I am finally saying something about this… but I talked to some people today that really gave me the urge to say something about what is going on with me.
