Relationships
Relationships
As usual I have been thinking of alot of things. This time thou, I will focus in on relationships. I have been spending a lot of time around couples and even have been part of a wedding in the recent months. Since I have already written about marriage and love before… I think I will focus more on relationships in general.
The biggest think to strike me of late is the lack of true communicate between people. Communicate is the key to many things in life and since we have no way of knowing what someone else thinks, it is the only way for us to let others know what is going on inside our heads.
I have to say that I am not the best communicator of my thoughts, but I will say that I expose more of my inner workings than most people that I have met. Actually making sure that what is exposed is understood is another thing all together. Since I speak in English, which is the most indirect language that I can think of (I studied both Spanish and German in the past), it is easy to be misunderstood. Take for instance this small exchange below:
Myself: So I try to write down things that I believe and place them somewhere others can read… I try to express my opinions when in the presence of other… whenever and wherever I get the chance… such as right now…
A friend: i spurt out my ideas sometimes…but not too often
Well since I was talking about this very subject I am now writing, I realized it was time to explain the communications problem right off with the following response:
Myself: One thing I have noticed… I am a bit too sensitive for this kind work…. I read too much into what people say… for instance… your last comment makes me think that I am spurting out ideas where they are not really wanted….
This is how I normally think of what others say to me. I listen to what they say and usually take what they say and do some serious interpretation… The interesting part comes after I made myself clear in how I processed my friend’s response… the following was then stated:
A friend: no
A friend: i mean i don’t say much of what is on my mind
A friend: i think it is good that you do
A friend: i mean i will say some ideas to people but not all too much
A friend: so no you don’t spurt out stuff 
]
At this point… we where back on track and I could continue with the conversation.
I am sure that if little exchanges like this were to occur more often in everyday conversations, people would be able to have much more fruitful relationships. Eventually people would be more comfortable in expressing what they truly want others to hear and therefore understand. This form of communication is important for the true meaning of relationships to grow and strengthen.
Relationships these days seem to take on a very wide but shallow range. Most people go day to day with only a few if any individuals that they “know” share some common ground with. The rest of the time seems to be spent in shallow and meaningless conversations. The bitch and rumor mill sessions about other people, nonsense about the weather,the “good old day” and other kinds of stuff of a similar nature. Look one of your days and think about the “conversations” that you had, were most of them of that type… hopefully not, but I think most of them were… sad isn’t it?
Well, I for one, go out of my way to try to start and carry on “better” conversations. One’s that will hopefully cause others to think, plan, learn and teach. For that is what I think relationships should be all about. Most of a person’s life is all related to relationships; family, friends, aquaintences and co-workers. This linking of our lives cannot be avoided, there is no way out of the strong grip of relationships but death. So we should make the most out of this everyday occurance and build better lives for ourselves and through this sharing and linking of lives, all those around us.
I am not talking about the exploitation of others in building things that cannot exist without a combined effort. Most things are built via exploitation of others… the boss that “takes” credit for the ideas of his or her workers, the Kings, Emperors and Presidents that carved out empires via the blood and death of their subjects, or even the fear of people not wanting to “stand out”. I am talking about building things that don’t exist by itself… a business… a house… a family… things like that… with the cooperation of people with similar goals and dreams. This is what is important.
I would much rather spend my time with people that I feel that I can learn from and at the same time offer something of value back to them. I see alot of people going through the motions of relationships, I have seen relationships from start to an ugly finish…some of my own included. I have learned that most of the failures stemmed from the simple fact that people desire, but do not express openly what they want or expect out of the relationship. Sooner or later those unspoken thoughts make themselves known and things can and usually quickly go downhill. I am not only talking about romantic relationships, but those of family, friends or co-workers. I have, the recent pass , found that I have “burned a couple of bridges”. This is very unfortunate, but it was solely due to the lack of communication. I would even say that part of it is my fault, but is a poor way for things to go. I take that series of events as a learning experience and much more.
Life is short and good relationships are hard to come by but I think that with a little effort on a daily basis, we all can be in better relationships. This sometimes means hurting the “feelings” of others, but the dead weight must be cut free to allow yourself the chance to soar toward those goals that rise before you. I don’t mean going trampling over others to get your goals, but to clearly understand the value of each and every one of your relationships. Is it a postive or a negative in your life, is it learning and teaching exchange, can it last through bad times, distance or schedule conflicts? After looking at those things, does the relationship warrant the continuation of your current level of effort, if so… it probably deserves even more, if not… determine if you should cut back and see what happens or if it looks to be a serious and I do mean serious negative, drop it and look eslewhere.
I look at people in a wide variety of capacities that I will now share with you:
Unknowns: This is the categry that most people of the world are in. Including some of the people that are reading this.
Known:
Single meeting: All those people that I have made eye contact with or a simple hello, but only once… and possiblily never again:
Occassional: People that come from the single meeting category but due to timing and placement, I see again over time. These individuals are potential aquaintences.
Aquaintences: People that know my name or recognize me and I them. These people have the potential to become casual friends.
Friends: This is where things get complicated (Some people occupy multiple levels)
Casual: People that I associate with and share at least one common goal or hobby
Friend: A person that the relationship encompasses more than a common goal or hobby, usually having many to do with an extension of trust and respect.
Good: Continuing along the lines of a friend, with the addition of help in troubled times and a longer history.
Best: All of the above and the extension of the relationship to include the others relationships, be it family, sigificant others, spouses and friends.
Former: People, due to circumstance are no longer in contact, but the relationship at its last point of contact was at a Friend or higher level.
Ex: This is a person, due to events have chosen to go thier seperate way and no longer hold the relationship with any positve value.
Other:
Family would be another form of relationship, but I tend to look at family as a somewhat forced friendship. Therefore I hold myself and each of my relatives to the same standards as I would any other person, being “of blood”, means nothing in itself to me. I still use the same positive and negative assestments as I would for any other person. The only difference I could see in this evaluation would be for small children, since they do not have the skills necessary for independent thought and need to be protected and cared for regardless or circumstance.
Romantic relationships are also something different. This too I view along the lines of friendships, but with much more at stake. The potential for a long term relationship that could bring forth children warrants a much higher understanding of the others goals and principles of the other. I hate to say it, but the level of trust that is required goes way beyond that of the best of friends. The only time it wouldn’t is if the pontential of children is somehow factored out. Anyone that enters into a sexually active relationship should be aware of the strenghts and weaknesses of the other. The idea of sleeping with someone that you find only physically attractive is a poor one indeed and is bound to have a negative impact on the future of one, if not more people in the future. I am not against “premartial sex”, but if you have negative thoughts about that as a potential outcome of the relationship…. it is best to let it go. Sometimes it will be too late, but I think if you go into a “serious” relationship with those things in mind… both people will be better off for it.
I am not saying that all people can be quickly and easily placed into a nice and simple category, but I think it helps to understand where people fit into your life. Let your life be full of those you consider a friend or better and learn to take the chance on people, you may benifit more than you ever realize.
I leave you with this question. Can you take the challenge of standing up for your principles of life, expressing them in a manner that encourages others to speak up and be understood? I ask you to join me and help build better things for yourself and all others of the world.
author- James M Long copyright 2000
