What about love?
What about love?
This small
essay comes out of a question asked of me about the essay I wrote about
marriage. I was asked “What about Love?”. This was brought on by my statements
about children in marriage. I thought long and hard about that question
she asked and I talked about the subject with a number of other people
and this what I have to say about love. I do not see love as something
that can stand on its own. It is an emotion brought on by many other types
of interacts and actions, of thought and sharing of values.
Love is used to describe
quite a number of different things. People say that they love a an object,
such as a pair of shoes or car. People state that they love to play golf,
go hiking or shopping. Some people state that they love a pet or animals.
People say that they love someone, a friend, a mother, a father, a family
member or their spouse.
I do not use the word
in that manner, that is with indifference. I value objects, but they are
just that, objects, the value I place in them can never be higher than
the values I could at sometime place in people. I find activities challenging,
thought provoking and useful to living and sustaining life. I enjoy the
caring for a pet and the interaction it which it provides. I love only
the people that share the values that I hold to a high degree.
But what about family?
I do not love every family member for the blind fact that they are related
to me through genetics and legal ties. Love is not something that is given
without being earned. Many family members do not earn that love. Just because
you are my father’s brother or sister does not automatically give you the
give of love, as before, it must be earned.
What about that special
bond between mother a child? That too must be earned. A mother that does
not teach, share values and encouragement, does not deserve love. The love
that some people talk about is almost an afterthought, some form of natural
law. Well if that where true, even a mother that abused or ignored her
child(ren) would be loved. Many would say that the child still loves
their mother (or father for that matter) regardless, because that is the
“way it is”. This runs into a huge problem, love is a choice of a thinking
individual and to deny that is to deny that a person is independent.
If you said that you
loved someone that everybody else saw literally spitting in your face on
a daily basis and cursing you and the ground you walked on, how long would
it take for you to realize what you “felt” was love wasn’t? Probably not
long and if you continued to place high value in that person for any length
of time, I would consider you to be irrational to say the least. Most situations
are not that dramatic of course and a greater amount of thought and time
are required to see the truth of the situation. The above situation ending
without the return of the amount of time, effort and offering of values
usually is called puppy love or infatuation.
What of longer
time periods in which both individuals actions are of the sharing nature,
that both not only love the other but it is obvious take the other person
loves them. Well that could and should be considered “true” love, regardless
of the fact that the relationship at some future date ends. You see love
is an emotion and due to its very nature cannot last forever. It is but
a momentary emotional state. The love that most people “look” for, is one
that actually has a solid foundation. One based not only on that fluctuating
thing called love, but on the values, personality and actions of a person
that shares those things on a equal basis, value for value. Love can and
does get replaced with other emotions on a rather quick basis. A person
cannot be both happy and sad in the same instant in time. If that is true,
which it is, then the emotion of love can be replaced at any instant by
other emotions that may or may not have anything to do with the person
that is “loved”. I say that love, in my own view, is that which holds two
individuals together between the times that love is “felt”. This condition
is based only on the virtues of both people involved.
If one or the other
person changes in a negative manner, be it a reduction in sharing of values
or the discovery of traits that are contradictory to the other, the relationship
will deteriorate. This decay of the relationship can be rapid or slow,
but given time and no corrections… it will end. When I say end, I don’t
necessarily mean that the couple will divorce or the engaged will call
of the wedding or “breakup”. I mean that the relationship is no longer
based on love, that sharing and cherishing of the the others values and
virtue is no longer the primary reason to maintain the “relationship”.
I understand that
people have reasons for maintaining those decaying or “dead” relationships.
They stay together for the children, or status or even as simple a reason
of not having to realize that they were a part of a “failed” relationship.
In the case of staying together for the children, what kind of environment
is that to raise a child. Observation of actions can be a powerful teacher
and the “dead” relationship is full of actions or more accurately, the
lack there of. There is no faking of “sharing and cherishing of the the
others values” and the “dead” relationship is dead because of that
lack. Status… if this is a reason to stay in the relationship, alot could
be said of your value system in the first place, but suffice to say that
this too is a state of denial of self and others. For failure, what could
be better said than that the experience is a great source of knowledge
in itself and relationships are not like a math test, no one is out there
grading you. Even if someone was to grade you, they would grade you higher
if you used your reasoning and thought to acknowledge when a relationship
is no longer based on its value to you.
What about love, indeed!
author- James M Long copyright 1999
