Marriage
Marriage
If I had been
asked to tell someone what I think of marriage, I would have some rather
different things to tell them. I will will start with the idea that marriage
is something that is a staple of our lives here in the USA. Without it,
a couple would not enjoy the many “benefits” that our society and government
provide. Those benefits are both a boon and a curse.
I have seen many people
that I worked with in the Navy make big mistakes in the field of marriage
because of the “benefits” that marriage in the Armed Services provides.
A married service member is allowed greater pay and is usually asked less
of compared to their single coworkers. Is this “fair”? No, there is no
doubt that this is not fair. The idea that two services members of equal
paygrade, time in rate, seniority in their unit and the same technical
skills would be paid differently if they where male or female, “black”
or “white” would be a cause for great concern and would produce alot of
attention, to say the least. Yet this condition does exist when you add
in the fact of married versus single. To me, this unequal pay has made
it easy to avoid the simple fact that the Armed Services do not pay their
members enough for their work. You see, marriage is a choice and it does
not bring any added value or benefits to any of the Armed Services goals
and missions, unless it is the trapping of military members to long term
service due to the fact that commercial employment does not allow “extra”
pay for the choice of having dependents. This choice is detrimental to
the Armed Services in the long run and to its members on a daily basis.
Does this mean that people in the military should not be allowed to marry?
No, it does not. What it means is that the married service member should
be held to the same standards as his single coworkers. When it comes down
to a few unit members having to stay late to finish work, the married members
are just as likely to stay as their single coworkers. When the married
members gets paid, he or she only gets paid or the value of their work,
not for their “needs”. The endpoint in military aspects of marriage is
that the pay and other “benefits” amount to a form of welfare, that all
of us are forced to pay.
In the non-military
world, marriage also has its elements of “benefits”. In the US today, to
file taxes as individuals usually results in higher amounts being paid
out, the opposite is also true, a married couple filing jointly can pay
a lower amount of taxes. Due to the nature of the above statement, I went
to the source of tax laws and rules, the IRS website and did a search on
marriage. The following are quotes from the Publication 501, Exemptions,
Standard Deduction, and Filing Information; Filing Status.
1. If you and your spouse decide
to file a joint return, your tax may be lower than your combined tax for
the other filing status’s. Also, your standard deduction (if you do not
itemize deductions) may be higher, and you may qualify for tax benefits
that do not apply to other filing status’s. You can file a joint return
even if one of you had no income or deductions.
2. If you and your spouse each have
income, you may want to figure your tax both on a joint return and on separate
returns (using the filing status of married filing separately). Choose
the method that gives the two of you the lower combined tax.
3. Unless you are required to file
separately, you should figure your tax both ways (on a joint return and
on separate returns). This way you can make sure you are using the method
that results in the lowest combined tax. However, you will generally pay
more combined tax on separate returns than you would on a joint return
because the tax rate is higher for married persons filing separately.
4. Also, when looking at the standard
deductions on the back of a 1998 Form 1040EZ page 2, the following is noted:
Single, enter 6,950.00.
This is the total of your standard deduction (4,250.00) and your exemption
(2,700.00).
Married, enter
12,500.00. This is the total of your standard deduction (7,100.00), your
exemption (2,700.00), and your spouse’s exemption (2,700.00).
Why, once again, should
two people that made the choice to be married, be rewarded with a lower
tax burden than would two individuals that fit the same tax brackets. The
real benefits of marriage are very rarely utilized. The benefits of the
individual in this unique relationship are downplayed and sometimes greatly
criticized. To speak of and think of self while in or considering marriage
is thought of as selfish, destructive and downright anti-marriage. Time
spent on the non-entity called “us” is the end all, be all to most people
when it comes to marriage. To believe the past statement is to destroy
the individuals involved, to push individual goals, ideas and desires to
the shadows. There are many things wrong with the placement of “us” before
the individual.
First and most importantly,
the shadows in which the individual is thrust is not and cannot be an environment
in which the individual (husband or wife) can grow and prosper. The explanation
to this idea is that the reason that the individuals choose to marry each
other is based on the individual traits, values and personality that the
other possesses and the choser also values. Looking at that reason for
marriage, to change the focus to “us” simply because the individuals are
now “married” is damaging to the relationship as a whole.
Secondly, the non-entity
“us” does nothing to deserve any considerations of time, money or thought.
Have you ever heard , “Let’s do _________ [fill in the blank] for us.”.
Who is us in any of those cases? It is only the individuals involved in
decision that was proposed. So, I say that the reason behind the statement
” Let’s do _____ for us.” is that the person is afraid to say, ” I’d like
to do _____ and that I think that it could benefit both you and me.” By
saying the above statement, they are placing themselves at risk for rejection
of the proposal, especially if the proposal is more like this statement
” I am doing or want to do ______ for us”. Remembering that “us” doesn’t
watch the children after school, nor pay the bills when they are due or
even provide encouragement in times of individual depression or troubles.
Third, the idea of
“us” also leads to very abnormal and unusual situations, such as the following
logic. An individual makes $20,000 a year and could only afford a second
hand car, the second individual makes $50,000 a year and has a really nice
$30,000+ car. The two individuals meet and in a short time ( say a year),
decide and do get married. The spouse that has the second hand car, decides
that is only fair that the next car should be theirs and that the spouse
with the “nice” car be happy to devote most of their income to making sure
that this action happens as soon as possible. The second hand car owner
also goes as far as stating that it is their right that they should get
to drive the “nice” car when ever they choose. Considering that the only
thing that has changed is the fact that they are now “married”, how “fair”
is that really. The “nice” car was bought by the individual before they
even met, with money they earned on their own. The spouse that earns much
less has not even considered the fact that they should follow their spouses
example and strive to do as well or better financially themselves. They
expect a reward (welfare) simply because they are married.
I ask you to consider
the fact that I did not give you the gender of either individual, just
that they now married. If I changed the above situation to one in which
the gender of the above individuals was know, would it have changed how
you, the reader, thought of the situation. In most cases, it would have,
without good reason to. The facts remain the same, only biases based on
sex would have been allowed to play. I can only state that the current
views of marriage that I have been able to observe, leave me with the task
of devising my own ideas of marriage. The idea may not be new or even one
that others would consider, but I will express it just the same.
I have come to the
conclusion that marriage is a viable and worthwhile option, only by not
allowing the non-entity, “us” to dictate the course of the actions and
plans of the two individuals involved. So called “common goals” have to
be agreed upon and taken as individual goals as well. That the goals have
to stand on their own merit for both individuals. For you see, those common
goals, usually demand more work, thought or money from one of the individuals
in the agreement, so it is important that the goals be looked at from the
individual viewpoint. One of the examples that usually come into play is
education. Even if it is a “common” goal set forth by both people, it is
a goal that the majority of the work must be done by the individual taking
the courses themselves. The other spouse cannot take the test, go to class
in their place or memorize the material. The other spouse can help in other
ways, but they should have clear cut goals of their own. Will they be paying
more for the household bills because the school bound spouse is no longer
working, will they spend more time looking after the children or taking
up the household chores, what is or will be the benefits for them taking
on these responsibilities and what happens when the spouse finishes up
their tasks.
Marriage is an agreement,
a contract, that two people are willing to trade fairly and forever, their
best values, thoughts and emotions. Can this be done on a tit-for-tat basis.
For the most part, no, because of the simple fact that woman are the only
one’s in the relationship that can have the children. this physical inequality
is one that most seriously be considered because their are usually alot
of unspoken ideas that go along with it. Can the male of the relationship
do anything that is of equal value to the female’s ability to reproduce?
If the answer the female utters is no, then the female will always dominate
the relationship in unknowable ways. If the answer is yes, then she must
be ready to make her proposals known and the male must adhere to them,
forever. Obviously, I favor the female that could and would make her proposals,
no matter how outrageous or hard they maybe, because then and only then,
I have a choice in whether “we” have children. You may ask what I would
do in the situation of an unplanned child. Well, I would ask for my spouse’s
proposal as if we had planned for the child in the first place. If the
answer was no, that there is nothing I can do to make the event “fair”,
I would ask that the child be aborted. If she said no to that option, I
would ask that the child be placed up for adoption, if she said no to that,
I would divorce her. For you see, no one will force me to accept the things
that I have choice to change. Marriage is an choice only if external [to
the two individuals involved] factors have no noticeable influences on
the decision to get married. Not friends or family, not tax relief or income
handouts, only the choice that the two individuals will bring to the marriage
their best values and those values are enough for the other.
The last two statements
is where I challenge myself to strive for. I meant the word “trade” exactly
as it means and I honestly state that emotions are not enough in themselves,
since they are fleeting and change from moment to moment. I don’t think
that sacrifice, obeying or an other form of unearned actions is or will
be a part of my ideal of marriage. Only time will tell if I or anyone else
can find someone that follows the same principles that I apply to marriage.
The idea of marriage for the benefit of self, displayed openly and honestly
for all to see is something that is frightening and “unfeeling” to most
people that I have met. I did not go into the “benefits” of a marriage
for “selfish” purposes earlier in the essay, and I will not do so directly
at this time. Instead I will ask a question to you and myself.
What makes you a worthy
choice for someone to consider marrying? To be honest, I think most people
would avoid the question all together, fearing that the questioner is “setting
them up” for some other motive than the answer to the question itself.
They may fear that they will expose the fact that they never thought of
the question themselves or if they have, they feel “guilty ” for the answers
that surface. We will have to discuss guilt for “selfish” thoughts at a
later date. Let’s just say that alot of people will fall into that category.
The next group, possibly the largest, would be the people that say “I don’t
know. ” or ” It isn’t something that I “need” to think about right now.”
These ways of thinking, are ones that I definitely do not agree with because
of the simple fact that most people, sooner or later, get married or become
involved in a long term marriage like relationship. Knowing the answer
to the question above, can help a person avoid the unhappiness, misery
and the divorce that most marriages seem to end up in. The last group are
the people that choose to answer the question. That is the group in which
I value. They have the ability to think of subjects beyond the immediate
and willing to express those thoughts. Now
for my answer to that question.
What makes me a worthy choice for someone to consider
marrying?
1. I am single and have no restrictive
ties or relationships to anyone.
2. I am independent, with no debts
other than my car.
3. I have shown and continue to show
that I can market my skills and earn a living more than adequate for my
own needs and requirements.
4. I am socially well excepted and
have a large and ever growing group of friends and associates.
5. I do not allow restrictive or
unfair (unjust) situations to go unnoticed, nor dictate my expressions
of thought or skill and I move thoughtfully to correct the problem.
6. I understand my past and use it
as a guide to understanding current and future situations.
7. I am honest in expressing my limitations
and “hang ups”
8. I base all individuals on their
own merit, no one is judged without through observations and questioning
of actions and opinions.
9. I am responsible for all my actions,
no matter what the conditions or situations in which they occur.
10. I value thoughts and actions over emotions.
11. I follow closely the rule of trading
values for values.
12. I will not sacrifice for anything,
money, love or life.
There you have it,
my current views on marriage and a bit more. Over time, my ability to express
myself will change and grow, therefore the above essay is only a place
holder for what I have learned and thought so far. Enjoy and think about
something today and everyday.
author- James M Long copyright 1999
